i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Boobs are out for the taking
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
