Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
