My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize