Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
