1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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