my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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