I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
