i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
