he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
