I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
