my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
