What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
