I accidentally had phone sex last night
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I AM VODKA MAN
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
