So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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