Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
There are leaves in my underwear?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
