did you get engaged???
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
