The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
