I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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