Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
