I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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