I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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