I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
