"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
