why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
MIDGETS
????
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
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