I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
