why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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