Taylor Swift is so right about you.
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
