I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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