I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
