Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
