careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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