I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
