I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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