he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
