4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
