Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
