turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
