The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
