When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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