I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Randomize
