I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
