I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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