Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I think my fart just growled at me.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
