I murdered the dance floor call the cops
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
