Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
