I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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