fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Randomize
