I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
