You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
