I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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