Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I just found puke in my bra..
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
