I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
