your thong is hanging out like whoa
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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