she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Randomize
